What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 18:03
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
They are buried together, in the same grave..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
How do I develop the patience to read books?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I think the readers, may guess!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
When do you start "growing old"?
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
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As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
My life is so biszare .
So, i spoilt her more .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
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Would this be the day?
She wouldn,t have been !
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She loved him until the end.
We all went to grammer schools
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
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Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I was 9 years of age.
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Ive learnt so much.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
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Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
It was going to be , some day.
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As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
How was cancer treatment different in the US and the UK?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Especially a lifetime of it.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
So whats the point in blame.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I was scared of men, in general
(And it was in our own minds.)
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Why did i forgive my father ?
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
We were not on the streets..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I don,t even have a pension.
She married twice! .
She found it foreign!.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
As i do to all so called friends.?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Put me off passion for life!!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I waited trembling.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Comes on , in middle age.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
All the time i was locked up.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I was seconnd youngest,
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I said to her
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I was very sick at this time too.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Who then, do I blame.?
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
And i lived it daily.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
What did i know ?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He resisted the act ,that day.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But it wasn’t much.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He knew the spot.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
This is soul school!.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She was in good health!
I could never make a relationship work though!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
One cannot live in the past .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
When she asked me how she looked .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I write beautiful poetry .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I will be 64.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Im still living with it.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But, we were locked up after school.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
My family never makes their pension either.
I have no regrets .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I couldn’t, believe it.
This is how, and why children get BPD.